In the stillness of my solitude, I found myself plunged into a state I now recognize as the dark night of the soul.
This period was not only a crushing weight of loneliness, but also a profound sense of being unsettled and misunderstood. It was as if the world around me had faded grey, emotions that I could not articulate, shadows lurking all around.
It began gradually, the dissonance between my inner voice and the external world. I had always believed that my intuition was my guiding light, but the more I allowed the outside world to dictate my life, the dimmer the light became. Their fears, doubts, and criticisms crept into my consciousness like pollution, choking the clarity of my own thoughts. “Why do you question so much”, “Why can’t you just let it go like everyone else”, “Why do you have to be so difficult?”, they would ask, oblivious to the storms brewing within and all around. I sought connection, yet their resistance mirrored my own, creating a terrible feedback loop that sucked at communication and connection. This loop left me adrift.
The Reflection of Resistance
As I navigated through this dark night, I began to understand a painful truth—I was not only experiencing resistance from those around me but also grappling with the resistance within my own spirit. Each dismissive glance, each misguided piece of advice felt like a confirmation and would override my own deep inner knowing.
In this struggle, I recognized the delicate thread that bound my external experiences to my internal state. My chronic disease, a physical manifestation of the chaos within, thrived as I became overwhelmed by the toxins of both my environment and my inner thoughts. Each flare-up was a loud reminder that I could no longer ignore the work that needs to be done in my life. Relationships began to become more tumultuous, plagued with misunderstandings and poor communication. I knew that for a long time my energy toward appeasing others was making me neglect the essence of who I was meant to be.
The Journey Toward Healing
In the depths of this unsettling experience, I began to reclaim my inner knowing, my voice. It was not an overnight transformation but a gradual awakening. I started to question everything- my choices, my beliefs, and most importantly, my perception of myself. I let go of the notion that I needed approval to exist authentically; that I needed approval to do things that my own heart was guiding to me to do. The journey was not easy; it required me to confront the shadows and fears I had tried to bury or ignore for so long.
I embraced solitude not as an enemy but as a sacred space, a medicine that I needed for reflection and growth. Being outside, doing deep breathing while my children played became my refuge—a practice that allowed me to reconnect with my intuition, my childlike curiosity and confidence. I studied the themes of resistance and acceptance, realizing that the key to healing was not about eliminating the darkness but integrating it, accepting it as a part of my journey. I explored holistic approaches to my autoimmune condition, aiming to detoxify my mind, body and soul, choosing nourishing foods and relationships while reducing toxic relationships.
Breaking Free
As I cultivated the courage to express my authentic self, shedding the weight of others’ expectations, it became clear that my loneliness was not a reflection of my worth but rather the catalyst that was needed for this deep transformation to occur. It was a process of radical self-acceptance, self -love and complete confidence in my own intuition. This radical shift empowered me to set boundaries, advocate for my needs, and nurture my own well-being.
The dark night of the soul illuminated the path toward resilience, reminding me that even in the hardest moments, there is room for growth, hope and unexpected beauty.
The Light Within
This memoir serves not only a as a testament to my journey but as an invitation for others who find themselves in the depths of their own struggles. Your voice matters, your deep inner knowing —trust it, your emotions are valid and above all you are never truly alone.
Your Natural Nurse, Sam
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